I’ve gotten some ridiculous gifts over the years. One year, I got a humidifier. Another year, I got a cheapo toaster that didn’t work. Another year, I got a fan. I usually know what to expect when my husband calls me and says he’s going to be home late because he’s at the tractor parts store getting my Christmas present (that really did happen last year, and no, we don’t live on a farm).
Once again, I’ve compiled a list of things you can buy online, but shouldn’t. Unless you’re being ironic. Starting with...
It’s actually called the Sasquatch Bed, and there’s a whole line of these for dogs and cats. They don’t come in any other style. No Chuck Taylors, no loafers, no pumps—just Crocs. So if you want a pet bed that’s really ugly and takes up a whole shit ton of space, this is the pet bed for you. And it can be yours for only $109!
2. Baby Bangs
People actually do this, like in pictures and stuff. Imagine how let down people feel when they find out that the attractive baby in the picture with the gorgeous head of hair is actually bald. Two words: false advertising.
You could probably do a whole slew of bad gift ideas for the new parent. This is one of them. The idea is that instead of putting a bumper in the crib, which could pose a suffocation hazard, you just strap the bumper to their head. And voila! Problem solved!
If you’re shopping for your recently divorced friend, this is not the gift to give. Actually, the reviews are great. Take this one: “my microwave is a 1000 watt cure for the lonlies. Instead of submerging myself in 700 club reruns to try to find a sense of purpose, I do so in ‘5 minute mac and cheese.’
I actually love this. I dare you to look at this teapot and not sing the rest of “Hello.” I. DARE. YOU. (I can see it in your eyes…I can see it in your smile…you’re all I’ve ever wanted, and my arms are open wide…)