My friends and I have spent many hours poring over horrible gifts we’ve gotten from boyfriends. Some of the more memorable items include a fan, a set of steak-knives (for a vegetarian), scuba gear, a business suit with shoulder pads (while my friend was working at a pizza place during college), and a pair of overalls.
Equally horrible gift ideas can come from the Web, where the weirdest, most inappropriate items are lurking in the darkest recesses, waiting to come to the surface and find themselves wrapped with a bow and snuggled beneath the Christmas tree. I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a few of these items to warn those with a history of buying bad gifts. Just because you can buy something online for 70% off its retail price doesn’t mean you should.
Don’t be afraid to take notes.
For just $79, you too can give your baby the chance to relive the moment of crowning during the birthing process. It’s hard to figure out who is more uncomfortable in this picture: the mom who faces permanent spinal disfigurement or the baby dying a slow death of asphyxiation by sweater-vest.
This item is available on Amazon.com, where it’s received rave reviews with titles like “This is the best thing I own!” and “Warm and toasty!”
"Suicide and Attempted Suicide: Methods and Consequences," by Geo Stone.
A one-stop shop for all your suicidal needs, in this $275 tome, Stone thoroughly analyzes different suicide methods, including overdose, jumping, asphyxiation, gunshot, electrocution, hypothermia, and more. Stone also covers those details of suicide that no one likes to talk about, like what you might face if your suicide attempt fails (how embarrassing…) or how to safely stage a fake suicide attempt when you just want to get attention without doing any permanent damage. My favorite part, though, is the adorable hang-man picture on the cover.
This item is also available on Amazon, where it has a four-star rating with reviews like “Worth every penny!” and one particularly clever one: “Kill me if I pay this much for a book!”
I know you’re thinking this would make a great gag gift, but seriously, don't.
Baby Gloton, the breastfeeding doll
This is real. I thought it was a joke. The doll is manufactured by Berjuan, a toy-maker located in Spain, which now bears the proud title of the first toy manufacturer to make a breastfeeding doll. It’s currently available on eBay for $99. It also comes with a creepy apron with flowers in place of nipples to simulate real breastfeeding for the prepubescent. Gross…
The Va J-J Visor
I don’t actually know what this does.
I frequently find myself in situations where my dog poops in a park and some angry stranger aggressively orders me to go pick it up, leaving me with only one option: run away. This item solves all of your dog poop-related problems, although it doesn’t keep you from stepping in someone else’s dog poop. So the only real solution is to genetically engineer dogs that don’t poop.
Dog poop harness also doubles as dog S&M kit. Available online at PooTrap.com for $27 to $52, depending on poop specifications.