What not to get your mom for Mother's Day

A convenient guide for navigating the online world of Mother's Day gifts

Look alive, slackers! Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and if you haven’t gotten something for your mom yet, now is the time to start looking. Of course, many of you will go online for all your Mother’s Day shopping needs, but a word of warning: there are many seemingly ideal gifts online that don’t actually translate well in real life. It happens to the best of us. I know a guy who once got his mother Tupperware for Mother’s Day. He actually thought long and hard about that one too and decided that his mother was always sending him home with leftovers and he was always forgetting to bring back the Tupperware. Solution: new Tupperware! I watched her open it and she pretended to be touched by his thoughtfulness. But that’s an unhealthy mother-son relationship that we don’t need to get into here.

To help you avoid making a Mother’s Day gift faux pas, I’ve worked up a little guide for you on what not to get for your mother on Mother’s Day.  

1. A do-it-yourself vajazzling kit

I know it seems like a natural fit in the whole Mother’s Day lineup—brunch reservations, flowers, card, and paste-on rhinestones for Mom’s business, but this could be misinterpreted as too forward-- and perhaps even inappropriate. You can—but should not—buy this item from Vajazzling.com. Save it for Christmas.

2. A home stool test kit for parasites

I’m a practical gift-giver. I like to give people gifts that are actually relevant to their everyday lives. Which is why people hate my gifts (I’ve made children cry). My friend just had a baby, so I thought: if I was a mother of young children, what would I really, really want but would never actually get myself? Answer: a home stool testing kit for parasites. Kids are crawling with all sorts of diseases and parasites; who wouldn’t want a quick, efficient way to test for things like Giardia and Bordetella? But since this was my first gut instinct, that is why you shouldn’t get this as a gift (which is available on UnikeyHealth.com for $249).

3. XXXopoly

This sexy board game is brought to you by Amazon for $33.49. But giving your mom a gift that is meant for her AND your dad is lame. This is her day, damn it!

4. A photo collage calendar of yourself

I know it was cute when you were a kid, but your mom will not enjoy this nearly as much as you think she will. She actually probably really resents everything about your childhood and the career she had to give up to raise you, so you may not want to remind her of all that… Of course, this is made all the more difficult by how deceptively easy it is to make those photo collage calendars online, so I guess while we’re on the subject, don’t order a mug with your picture on it, or an ashtray with your picture on it, or a Christmas tree ornament with your picture on it. (By the way, I LOVED making this photo collage of myself. I may have to actually give this to my mom so she can put it on her refrigerator.)

5. A paternity test

I know it seems like it would be really funny to get this and attach a post-it that says something cute like “Just to be sure…” but it’s better left alone. Unless you have a friend who really isn’t sure and you think this might be one of those practical gifts that’s relevant to her everyday life. In which case, go for it. You can get one from HomeDNA.com for just $78!