Every year, we gather together on Thanksgiving and list off the things we are thankful for: friends, family, food, shelter…blah, blah, blah. This year, I’m thankful for my iPhone, and I would like to give thanks to me for finally mustering up the courage to buy one.
Thank you, Faith, for buying an iPhone, without which I would be lost in awkward social situations. I don’t know how I got through weird silences and ungainly social scenes in my pre-iPhone days. Previously, when I found myself in a room full of people I didn’t know, but who all knew one another and were chattering away excitedly, I would whip out my primitive cell phone and start texting. In fact, my friends and I frequently texted each other just to tell one antoher, “I’m texting you in an awkward social situation.”
The look I was going for was the “I would love to socialize, but I’m just so busy…” look, but I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone. They all knew that I was texting to avoid standing around and staring into space like a loser.
But now, with my iPhone, I can legitimately look like I’m just really, really busy and don’t have time to socialize. I can check my email, or my Facebook feed, or look up pineapple upside down cake recipes, and I can exude the air of: “Yes, I’m a really important person.”
This also works in awkward family situations. Grandma asking you why you and your boyfriend are living in sin? Mom wanting to know when you’re going to have a baby? Or maybe it’s the cute little niece or nephew who asks you why everyone else is married except you (I think I’m divulging a lot of information about my personal life now). That’s a good time to get that “hey, I think I just felt my phone vibrate” look on your face, whip out your iPhone, and announce: “my boss just emailed me. I need to go take care of this.” At which point you duck into an empty room and kill some time with an episode of Glee on your phone.
But even more important than its safeguard against awkward social situations, I am thankful that my iPhone keeps me from getting lost. I get lost easily (I consider it a success if I only drive past my destination twice), and ever since the iPhone came out in 2007, I’ve been wanting one so that I can navigate not just freeways and side streets, but train schedules, bus routes, and cab services.
My wakeup call came when I moved to New York City in the summer of 2009. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know about the city before moving there was that the MTA (Metropolitan Transportation Authority) frequently shuts down stations throughout the city to do maintenance work on tracks. So less than one month after moving to the city, I found myself lost in Brooklyn (the bad Brooklyn, not the hip, trendy Brooklyn) at three in the morning. There is nothing cute about a drunk white girl with runny mascara stumbling around the projects in high heels at three a.m. Though my apartment ended up being less than a mile away, it took me two hours to find my way home. Not cool.
But my iPhone will make sure that that never happens to me again! So thank you, iPhone; thank you, Apple; and thank you, Faith, for buying the iPhone despite all the whiny jerks who asked “aren’t you worried about the antenna-gate thing?”
In celebration of my iPhone magic, I leave you with this. Happy Thanksgiving!