Starship Enterprise or new Fox News studio?

Fox News gets a high-tech new studio to get hip with the cool kids

If you’re like many Americans (also known as ‘Murricans) who love Fox News, you probably wish you could get more breaking news on terrorism, the liberal agenda, the war on Christmas, and scary brown people. You probably wish you could get all that news all the time, on every device you own.

Fox News is going to do you one better. They’re debuting Shephard Smith’s new show, Shephard Smith Reports, Monday at 3 pm, which comes complete with a brand new super high-tech studio that will find all the things on all the Internets.

The studio, called the Fox News Deck, was designed to cater to the changing viewing habits of Fox News watchers. As VP of News Jay Wallace explains in a video tour of the new studio, “people aren’t so linear. They don’t sit down and watch TV at a certain hour, stick with the same thing from show to show to show.”

VP of Graphics Engineering Peter Blangiforti says that Fox News will actually be employing technology that has never been used in live TV before.

Ultimately, the aim of the new studio is to keep pace with the changing patterns of news consumption. And since more people are consuming news on their smartphones and tablets, the new Fox News studio will be comprised entirely of a whole bunch of giant smartphone and tablet-looking things.

Specifically, journalists will be sifting through tweets and other news blurbs on “BATS”—or “big area touch screens,” which look more or less like giant iPads. Because Fox News needs hundreds and hundreds of giant iPads to feature today’s news: MUSLIM FAMILY SEEN EATING ICE CREAM NEAR 9/11 MEMORIAL. BECAUSE OBAMA.

Each journalist will have a work station that will consist of one enormous 55-inch touch screen so the world can watch them read and vet tweets.

Shephard Smith will also have a remote control that will allow him to control a 38-foot-long video wall, including the ability to move and slide pictures around.

For some reason—and this is the part that truly baffles me—there will be giant iPhone-shaped screen devoted entirely to incoming tweets. One column will be devoted to tweets under investigation, and another column will post tweets that have been verified and confirmed. So, you can either read tweets on your phone while you watch Fox News, or you can read tweets on an imaginary giant phone ON Fox News. Your choice, America.