Apple’s all-but-officially-confirmed iPad Mini unveiling is tomorrow and the anticipation is palpable.  Over the last few weeks, the rumor mill has been on warp speed, and the only thing more irritating than the more improbable rumors are the publications who want to cash in on said rumors without compromising their journalistic integrity—so they run “iPad Mini rumor roundups.” 

Naturally, we thought, “we should do that.”  We’re a little late to the game, but here’s our list of the top five most improbable iPad Mini rumors.

5. Will be affordable to most middle-income people

It doesn’t pay to be poor.  Initially, the mass appeal of the iPad Mini was the potential for competition with other low-priced tablets like the Kindle Fire and the Nexus 7.  But now, word has it that the iPad Mini will still cost at least $100 more than the cheapest Kindle Fire.  Despite Steve Jobs’ leftish leanings, Apple really falls in line with the Republican party’s central thesis of not coddling the poor and downtrodden.  Otherwise, what incentive will they have to pull themselves up by their bootstraps?  And what better incentive than an iPad?  If you want to be able to afford the cheapest of Apple products, you just need to find a way to make more money, damn it.  I know you’re living the life of luxury right now with your coupon-clipping and your sweatshop shoes and your inability to afford a routine checkup at the doctor’s office, but you need to take your blinders off!

4. Components were built by Foxconn workers who were fairly compensated and had weekends and holidays off

Sigh.  I just bummed myself out.

3. Features a built-in wormhole for parallel-universe travel

Google is working on something similar to Android, but rumor has it that it’s pretty buggy and you run the risk of getting stuck in an alternate universe where Paris Hilton is still a thing and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez never broke up.  My hands just shook typing that.

2. Comes with a patented “hologram call” feature that allows you to speak in person remotely

The effect is so lifelike that you can literally phone-in everything from your Wednesday morning meeting to your annual pelvic exam.  But word has it that Apple is concerned about hacking and privacy breaches, which could lead to a myriad of lawsuits from celebrities whose holographic hookups were hijacked and made into mass-manufactured commercial sex toys.

1. Comes with binders full of women

Last binders joke, I swear.